Given the difficulties of a search, these guidelines may help keep you alert to both your own needs and the sought-after person’s needs:

For the Adoptee:

1. Searching is your birthright.
2. You know you’re adopted; your birth mother’s family might not. Tread carefully.

For the Birth Mother:

1. You have the right to follow up on the well being of your child, but not to be apart of their adult life unless you are invited to participate.
2. Most adoptees are not ready to meet their birth mothers until their mid-to late twenties.
3. You know your son or daughter was adopted; they might not know.

For the Adoptive Parents:

1. The adult adoptee is not looking to replace you. If the adoptee is an adult, you have already done the parenting.
2. A search does not mean you’ve failed as parents.

For All:

1. Make sure you’re mentally, emotionally and financially ready before you search. A search and reunion changes the searcher’s life and the lives of those around her/him, forever.
2. Have a support system in place before searching, whether it is your family, a search group, a therapist and/or a devoted friend. Find someone who will listen to you without being judgmental.
3. It’s okay to be focused; it’s harmful to be obsessed. Strive for balance.

Reprinted with permission from Adoption Reunions, A book for Adoptee, Birth Parents and Adoptive Families by Michelle McColm, 1993 Second Story Press